Times have changed & society is now more open and understanding to the struggles & plight of Transsexual people. Gender Dysphoria is a condition that takes bravery & guts to firstly face, fight, & then resolve. It is one of the hardest conditions that anyone can face & something none of us choose.
The more people that bravely face their fears & choose to live their life as they feel it should, need to be applauded. The following is my own personal journey. I will briefly touch on how I came out to my family, but will expand on my workplace transition. Many people on have complimented me, on HOW, I actually went about it all.
The whole theme of my journey was to give people RESPECT & that “Knowledge Is Power.”
I always knew that it would be inevitable that I would transition, but even still, I tried to fight, deny & “cure” myself. It’s all part of the journey. I nearly transitioned when I was 21, but my timing was wrong. I needed to grow as a person and mature. When I finally did begin my transitioning, it went without saying that it was absolutely VITAL to my life for it to be a success. I studied everything I could, got counselling, set my goals & did what I had to do.
Although it’s a bit of a marathon, I hope that this document might be helpful & a bit of an inspiration to someone else going through their own transformation. Follow your own path though, as you, and your circumstances are unique.
I do suggest that you build up a network of supportive friends. It’s always lovely to confide in them. If you need to, you can cry on their shoulders, and also share your experiences & victories. Remember, Your friends are the Family that YOU CHOOSE.
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My Family
I always had the luxury of knowing I had my Mothers’ Support…regardless. She did briefly struggle over my wanting to transition, but saw first hand my happiness & thus backed me 100%. My Father would be another story though. Once I knew that “It was time” & began taking hormones, it became essential that the rest of my family knew. Hormones are powerful and work very, very quickly. Coming Out is such a hard thing to do, particularly to your loved ones. You risk ALL in this situation.
I am usually a very positive person, but now, I had to steel myself & was ready for the absolute worst-case scenario. Anything above that would be a blessing. I had built up strength through counselling at the Gender Centre, but was still fearful. Amazingly when I flew up to see Dad, my fear went away as I knew I had to tell him, regardless. There was NO backing out. My body WAS going to change.
I came prepared. For each & every person, I had an A4 envelope containing a word document with text & photo’s from my website. Additionally, I enclosed information about gender dysphoria, common misconceptions about Transsexualism and Question & Answer type document aimed at helping loved ones understand. I sealed the envelope & titled it “Introducing Stef”.
I’d sealed it with the understanding that each person could CHOOSE to open it…. or not. I needed to allow them their feelings, at their pace. I was prepared to answer ANY question asked of me whist in a low key way showing how happy I now was & that this indeed was REAL.
An interesting footnote was that my brother here in Sydney, didn’t open the envelope. He needed more time to deal with it in his own way.
Everyone reacts to such news in different ways. One common one is for someone to treat it “as a death”. The person they were used to, physically anyway, “won’t exist any more”. Whether the reaction is good or not so good, always give out love & compassion. Know it will take time. Regardless, a great weight will be lifted from your shoulders & it will be good training for you when it is time for the “world to know”.
Additionally, I went to talk with my Uncle’s & Aunties face to face, which impressed them
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Work Disclosure – Pre Planning
The key here is to respect power & those in authority whist remembering that your bosses are only human. You need to know that HOW your bosses deal with the situation long term, will be modelled throughout the organization. Thus, you need to demonstrate that you respect them and that you hold the “image of the company” very highly indeed.
You need to have researched your own situation thoroughly & appear confident and in control. Assume that they have never come across a “real transsexual” before & that need to be guided BY YOU, on what to do next.
I did this with the aid of hardcopy folders (One for each person that would be privy to what I was about to disclose). Within each of these folders, I had information neatly divided into six categories. The first, titled “About me”, stated my condition & gave a little insight into my life. Additionally, it contained a few paragraphs on “what will happen next”, and also indicated a rough time line.
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About Me
I have a Medical Condition known as Gender Dysphoria. I have been a Transgender person all of my life. From when I was young, I’ve always felt “different”, & no amount of repression has changed this fact. The very latest Medical Opinion is that Transsexualism is a condition that begins in the womb.
I have always felt that I have a Female soul. The most recent Medical Help I sought for my condition began in _______________. My Psychiatrist is Dr _____________. He is happy to converse with you if feel it necessary.I’ve also been seeing Psychologist ______________ from the Gender Centre & an Endocrinologist _____________.
Growing Up
My Childhood etc etc…… (Basic to the point)
My Journey
I have always felt I was Female deep down. I began dressing in Female attire when I was 13, but realised from about 17, that my feelings ran a lot deeper & stronger. There were instances prior in my childhood that looking back, add weight to the fact that I have always had this condition.
My Mother discovered that I dressed when I was 17. At 20, I told her that I wanted to Transition, but “purged” when I was 21….only to continue dressing until I was nearly 26. I then tried to repress all of my feelings & from around 1990 felt I had “cured” myself. After many years of self-denial, it took the events during the week of September 11 to make me realise that I needed to be true to myself, regardless of societies Norms or my own fears.
In May 2003, I began dressing again & throughout 2004, I went out socially at least twice weekly & began building supportive networks of friends around me. From November 2004, I finally began the transitioning process. This involved seeing the Doctors noted above & starting Laser Treatments to remove facial & body hair.
On my 40th Birthday (January 2005) I started a course of Female Hormones. In February 2005, I informed the rest of my nuclear family. I'm very lucky to have such open families, as they were ALL very understanding & supportive.
Upon moving into my new Apartment in late April 2005, I began to live as a Female in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES outside of work
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Note To Company XYZ
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I have been working at ___________ as an Architectural Draftsperson for nearly 10 years. I continually tell family & friends of how much passion I feel about working for __________, & how wonderful my co-workers are.
I feel I have contributed significantly in (insert your achievements here)
In all circumstances, I am conscious of maintaining a proper professional image at work & would never intentionally do anything to harm _________ corporate image.
I am sure the fact that this is happening, will be out of a lot of people’s comfort zones. I just wish it to be known that I feel my transitioning has been an unavoidable necessity in my life. None of this has been undertaken lightly. So far, I have been delighted & also humbled by the acceptance that I have already received from many people.
I feel that this could showcase _________ anti-discrimination policies in action, and demonstrate the company’s openness.
What’s Next..
Come out to work, starting with my Agency, Human Resources & then Upper Management. Please refer to the Workplace Transition information within this folder, particularly the HR specific sections.
The timings of this process are flexible & will need to be negotiated with all parties. A lot depends on both my personal & work circumstances. I envisage returning to work after a period of about 2-3 weeks leave, within the window of Early September, thru to November.
Staff may need to be given training on what to expect. (For example, on how to refer to me, toilet issues & ________ anti-discrimination policies). The Gender Centre would be an excellent source of information for workplaces facing this issue.
At the time of my period of leave, a _________ management based email will be sent informing all staff. A personal note, approved by _________ will be attached from myself, to the co-workers (only) that I usually deal with on a day to day basis. At this time, I will also begin changing my personal documentation to reflect my new status.
I will then prepare to return to work, physically & in all mannerisms – Myself…unmistakably, Female.
___________ may need to prepare documents regarding this, should this become “public knowledge”.
After this Workplace Transition, my next course of action is to complete my Laser Treatments & commence speech therapy. I will also be saving in order to have sex reassignment surgery sometime in the future.
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The second folder division was titled “HR (Human Resources) Specific USA”. This contained a whole section from the “coming out at work” link I have on my links page (Gender Sanity – Guidelines for HR Professionals). It was brilliant. I also highlighted the sentences I thought important, such as the point they made about Lynn Conway, and the part entitled "Antecedents of Workplace Transition"
http://www.gendersanity.com/shrm.html
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The Third folder division was titled “HR Specific NSW”. This contained HR information relating to the state of Australia I live in – New South Wales. I received this information from the Sydney Gender Centre. It also included a NSW Anti-Discrimination Law brochure, And…….an Anti-Discrimination policy document from my own work place, (highlighting that my company did not discriminate against Transgender people).
http://www.gendercentre.org.au/kits.htm
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The Fourth folder division was a Case Study from a girl who had also transitioned “On The Job”. I must make a special Thankyou to Paula Kaye. Some of the information was invaluable. These can be seen in the documents informing my companies staff, which comes later.
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The Fifth folder division included information concerning common misconceptions about Transsexualism and Question & Answer type documents aimed at helping understanding. Refer to the above Gender Centre link or just surf the transgender sites.
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Lastly, the Sixth division simply contained a link to my website. I ensured that my website had photo’s of me dressed in work mode. (& Girl’s, It’s definitely advisable to NOT have ANY rude photo’s on your website at this time). Remember Why you created your website. For me, It was an aid in my coming out to the world.
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Informing My Bosses .
My Initial meetings went with Hierarchy. I firstly went to my Agent, Then Human Resources at my place of work & then my Department Head. I sat down with each (armed with a folder) & stated that I needed to say something that required complete confidentiality.
I said that I had a medical condition known as Gender Dysphoria & what that meant was, that I was transitioning from being Male to being Female. I told them that I’d been taking Hormones & that I’ve been living as a Female full time (with the exception of work) for the past four months. I also stated how much passion I had working for the company & that I would still be exactly the same person, but will merely “presenting differently”.
I then asked my Department Head (once she had time to digest the news herself & read my folder), to organise a meeting with the immediate bosses above me, because she had more “power” to do that than me. She was to sit in on the meeting (with a HR representative also present) and then hand me the “power to speak” to my bosses.
When the time came, she started proceedings with a brief introduction, stating that it was I who was to speak. Again I had my folders on the ready. I must say here that all of my upper management were wonderful & handled the situation very professionally. My bosses received the news well & my department head gave me a big vote of confidence. She concluded the meeting by stating to my bosses (with me present…in "boy mode") that,
“Stefanie has been with us for a long time. She has been very professional about this & has researched this very thoroughly. How we will go about this workplace transition over the next few weeks is covered within this folder. We don’t want to loose her “skills”.
My Department Head was already leading by example, modelling the desired office behaviour from the outset. I felt respected, empowered, in control ….and blessed. Thankyou, from my heart.
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Informing Staff
I’d timed this to “perfection”. In other words, I was finding it increasingly stressful & difficult to hide the wonderful changes that were happening to my body. I had informed my managers whilst negotiating my transition timeline, that I would be taking two weeks leave as at x date. This leave was to help staff digest & gossip about the news.
I kept my impending “holiday” on a low-key basis, but kept my mouth SHUT as to the real reason. If anyone were to “pick” me, I was to take leave Immediately. I did though make a joke to a close female work friend on my last day, saying that although I’d be spending my holiday at home this time, I might go to a health spa & come back “a completely different person..!”
Various planning meetings took place with those in the know in the last week. On the Monday after I’d taken my leave, my department head got everyone on my floor together for a quick informal “chat”. Having appeased them that it wasn’t anything to do with their own jobs, she then informed them about me & that I had the full support of the company.
Emails were then sent to staff from upper management & HR. The first was a dry “statement of the fact” letter, whilst a more personal one drafted myself was then sent. It contained a link to my website & to select people, a few photo’s. Additional information was then sent (Thanks Paula Kaye) covering toilet issues & a piece titled “Having difficulty seeing Stefanie as Female.?”
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WORK BASED EMAILS
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Subject: Workplace Transition
Stephen ___________ is a transgender person currently in transition. Stephen is in the process of transitioning from being male to being female. This is a long-term process, but for staff in __________, the most visible aspect of this transition will be when Stephen returns to work. Stephen has requested that __________ employees be informed of his transition prior to this date & it is also at his request that this Internal Memo be circulated.
Stephen will be taking leave, from 2nd September through to the 18th September . When Stephen returns on Monday 19th September, his name will be Stefanie _________.
From this date forward all employees are required to call Stephen by his new name. References in terms of pronouns will also need to be adjusted. Stefanie will be referred to as she and her. Pronouns which are currently suitable to Stephen ('he' and 'him') will not be appropriate after the date of transition.
Stephen has worked for _________ for almost 10 years now and is a valuable employee.
This process is difficult and involved for Stephen. Stephen and the Management team will therefore appreciate the support of employees.Under NSW Anti-Discrimination legislation Stefanie will be entitled to use the bathrooms and other facilities provided for all female employees.
The management recognizes that this is an area that staff may have questions about and are happy to provide information from the NSW Anti-Discrimination Board on this subject. I will be happy to address any appropriate questions regarding Stephen's transition. Stephen has also indicated he is also happy to answer any questions you may have.
Our HR Policies ensure equal and fair opportunity for all prospective and existing employees.
Equality of opportunity is provided regardless of gender, marital status, physical, intellectual, psychological or psychiatric disability, race, colour, ethnicity, social origin, pregnancy, parental status, family responsibilities, national origin, religion, sexual orientation, transgender status, age, political conviction or trade union activity. __________ recognizes employees solely on the basis of their abilities, aptitudes, performance, qualifications and skills.
We strive to maintain a workplace that ensures respect and dignity for all staff.
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Some Thoughts Which May Help Dispel Concerns Regarding Transgender Workplace Transition Embarrassment at forgetting to use correct names, forms of address, etc.
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· This is entirely normal and only to be expected.
· It is common for people to sometimes temporarily forget someone's name or to accidentally call them by someone else's name.
·Stefanie is entirely understanding of what a big step this is for most people and how easy it is to forget new names or be uncertain or confused. She will not be affronted or embarrassed if this should occur during the first few days or on occasion at other times.
·Stefanie understands that her Workplace Transition is actually a joint transition in which everyone is learning to adjust to changes. She realises that understanding, tolerance, and plain old give-and-take are necessary for everyone.
·Stefanie will, especially during the first two or three weeks, be presenting herself in an unmistakably feminine style to assist others to adjust as quickly and easily as possible and to help avoid confusion.
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Finding it difficult to see Stefanie as Female..?
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This is entirely normal and only to be expected.
·Stefanie has been perceived as male for quite some time so it is only to be expected that adjustments will also take some time. Everyone will find, however, that they soon adjust .
·As hormone, electrolysis/ Laser and speech therapy progress, Stefanie will become increasingly feminine in physical appearance and presentation .
· Whatever typically male features may be perceived in Stefanie, these can all be found among genetic women (eg. being tall, having facial hair, deeper voice, etc.).
· The best way staff can approach this aspect is to not focus on those features which they perceive to be male but instead to concentrate on Stefanie's essential qualities and/ or more feminine features
·Stefanie is entirely understanding of how challenging it can be for other people to change long-held perceptions. She understands that this is something which is not usually encountered and for which most people are not prepared. This next phase in her transitioning is though essential, as is insisting on her rights in relation to this matter. Her medical treatment and well-being are in part dependent on it.
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Some facts which may dispel concerns regarding the use of toilets during transgender workplace transition
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·ln general there are no laws, Federal, State or local, governing who may use toilet facilities. It is not against any law for a male to use female toilets or vice versa. This is a matter of social custom only.
·There are only two laws in NSW relating to the use of toilets; both form part of the NSW Anti-Discrimination legislation .
·Firstly, the NSW Anti-Discrimination Act states that it is illegal to deny the use of toilets of the preferred gender to transgender persons who have had Sex Reassignment Surgery.
·Secondly, the NSW Anti-Discrimination Act states that Transgender persons who have not had Sex Reassignment Surgery should be allowed to use the toilets of their preferred gender unless it can be proven in a court of law that this would be unreasonable in all circumstances. The only cases where this has been satisfactorily proven have been in relation to Women's Refuges.
·Transgender persons are required by the Medical Standards of Care to live in their preferred gender in all respects for a period of at least one year (subject to the discretion of their health care professionals) before Sex Reassignment Surgery will be approved. This requirement means that Transgender persons must use the toilets of their preferred gender.
·Also, in relation to the above, since it is necessary for Transgender persons to present themselves at all times as their preferred gender, it would be very confronting to others as well as embarrassing and demeaning to the Transgender person to insist that they use the toilets of their physical sex. It could also be very dangerous for the Transgender person to do so.
·Transgender persons have a deep-seated (possibly of physical neurological origin) sense of their perceived gender being their true gender. They generally find it very distressing to have to use the toilets pertaining to their physical sex.
·It is becoming increasingly common all over the world to now use public and corporate unisex toilets facilities. Two examples of this in NSW are the Sydney Eye Hospital and Bondi Junction railway station.
·It has always been common practice in domestic households where toilet facilities are located in bathrooms for family members of both genders to be in the room at the same time while those toilet facilities are being used.
·The use of toilet facilities in women's toilets is entirely private. Only the washing and, drying of hands is conducted in public.
·Employees who feel uncomfortable with sharing the toilet with Stefanie can always delay their visit until she has left or use another toilet until such time as discomfort is allayed.
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Stefanie is entirely understanding of how challenging this might be for some people, how this situation is one which is not usually encountered, and for which most people are not prepared. Stefanie will not be taking offence at anyone who may display or express some concern or discomfort.
·Stefanie is prepared to cooperate fully with management in resolving any issues regarding this aspect of her Workplace Transition. However, she will be ultimately insisting on her rights in this matter as her medical treatment and well-being are in part dependent on it.
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The following is a note from Stefanie _________ about her transition. Stefanie has asked that I circulate this prior to her return to work so staff can better understand her decision. Please circulate as required. Thanks
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Hi Everyone,
Life is interesting…isn’t it…?
I have so felt comfortable working around you at __________. It is a lovely place to work, but it is the people here, which I feel makes it so special. I would like to take this opportunity to personally thank __________ from Human Resources & also ____________. All have been very understanding and have dealt with this situation in a very professional, respectful & positive manner.
I am sure the fact that this is happening will be out of a lot of your comfort zones. I just wish it to be known that I feel my transitioning has been an unavoidable necessity in my life. None of this has been undertaken lightly. I actually nearly began transitioning when I was 21, but the timing wasn’t right. I now feel ready for what lies ahead. I know this must have come as a big shock to you all.
Gender Dysphoria is a Medical Condition & the latest scientific opinion is that it begins in the womb. Stefanie is who I am inside & it’s something I’ve had to deal with my whole life. I have fought it, denied it & tried to “cure” it. An Event (More accurately, it was an entire week of events) had such an impact on me psychologically, that I finally, finally, allowed myself to be me. That was the week of September 11.
I will still be the same happy, positive person that you all know. I am merely changing my physical self to better reflect who I really am. I am being totally honest to everybody in my life & only ask that you be yourselves around me. My entire family have been very supportive & positive, as have my friends & acquaintances.
More than anything, I am the happiest that I’ve ever been in my life. To accept yourself for who you are is amazingly empowering. If you are curious to learn more about my situation, I have a website on the net that has links to a whole range of information.
The address is: http://stefanie888.com/
I look forward to catching up with you again soon.
Regards, Stefanie ___________
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Whlist on my break, I went around & changed the majority of my personal documentaion. I found it quite funny that although I changed by birth certificate, which was such a great feeling…….it was my change of driver's licence that excited me the most. Well….I am a visual person…!
Anyway, I then called my immediate boss on the Thursday prior to my return to work, to see how the land lay. He again reiterated his support. I had let them all deal with this their own way. He said that most of the staff were fine about it all, although there were some reservations from a few.
I also briefly spoke to my Department Head & also to her personal assistant (who was a friend). She said they were all looking forward to meet Stefanie & that I looked great.
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Text about My First Day - Monday 19th September 2005 .
I got up Monday, saw how lovely the weather was & was feeling SO confident. I wore my gorgeous creme Morrissey skirt suit. My flatmate was there saying "Go Girl". I headed off to work, parked the car & just as I got to the steps of work, I suddenly got butterflies…..for a minute. I composed myself, said hi to the receptionist as per normal & went upstairs to see my Department head. She was lovely, said I looked great & that she thought my hair would be longer (Even though I was wearing my wig). It was actually a compliment & she wished me luck.
I went back downstairs & soon after had morning tea with my close work mates. They were great. I then decided to do a "meet the people" & worked my way up the building. The HR guy looking after my transition walked right past me & didn't recognise me….! Most though, did recognise me….& all smiled and greeted me warmly as Stef.
Everyone was lovely. I felt respected, especially by the guys. The girls were gushing over my suit & said I looked gorgeous & stunning. One of my female friends was going on & on about her new "competition"…! She said my transitioning made no difference & that they were happy to meet the "new me". All of them were fine in saying "She & Her". Even my email account had already been updated to my new name.
The whole feeling was that "nothing had changed". They all understood I was still the same person and treated me as such. They understood the difference between a Transsexual & a drag queen. Some also told me that they were impressed by "how I went about it all", with my earlier emails & website link prior to my return to work.
They also liked that I was being so open & approachable I had a few lovely emails responses sent to me, got the royal treatment in getting my security clearance re-done & they were looking forward to getting on with it & working together again.
It was basically a very special experience. I’m so lucky to be working in such an open, incredible office with amazing people. So it's time to just get on with it. I am so happy & it feels so right, finally.
When I got home that night, I opened a nice bottle of red & had a quiet, reflecting celebration. I went to bed early……exhausted 
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Hi Stefanie
Obviously, over the last two weeks, there have been discussions both formal and informal about the changes in your life. Not an issue as far as I am concerned. I hope you find the happiness that everybody deserves. .
Hi Stefanie
It was great to see you today – I only wish I wasn’t in a meeting as you whizzed by. You look fabulous and it is great to see you back! I’m always here and don’t forget that I have the keys to a great coffee machine…! Know that you can drop in anytime. I’m really proud of you .
Hi Stefanie
Just wanted to say it was really lovely to see you this week at security. We were having a SHOCKER of a morning on Monday, and your visit really brightened things up in our office!
You were totally glowing and obviously very happy, and that’s a really lovely thing to see in a person. It was very touching to be around someone as happy as you. I really hope that your journey from now on continues to bring you as much happiness (and that you continue to find many, many more lovely Morrissey suits at Birkenhead Point….!!).
Having settled in a few days, I then sent all the upper management who helped "Stefanie emerge into the world", an individual Thankyou Card.
I’ve learned along the way what really matters…….Loving and respecting your family, your partner, your friends AND, yourself. Make each a priority in your life. You need a passion for life and to believe in yourself (And in God, if you feel it important to you). Remember that what you give out & how you treat people will come back to you. Be open to the possibility that your dreams can come true and finally, have love, kindness, appreciation & forgiveness in your heart.
The world moves aside for those who know where they are going
Live Your Life, Be Free
Hugs,
Stef
xoxoxoxoxo
